Where is My Mind?
by Kakos
Summary: Bakura gets amnesia! Yami and the crew try to change it so he's not even tomb robber! Chappie Seven up, and it contains a shameless Mission Impossible paraody! Yay!
1. We're Off to See the Pharaoh

Kakos: Hey, everyone! I'm writing a humor fic! Coolies!

Yami B: NOOOOOOOOO! She's doing stupid humor! Why oh why are you doing stupid humor?

Kakos: Because I felt like it.

Ryou: I think it's a good idea; these fics are popular.

Yami B: This is an amnesia fic.

Ryou: NOOOOOOOOOO! She's doing amnesia humor! Why oh why are you doing amnesia humor?

Kakos: *blush-blush* You guys have to play along, you're the stars! Now who wants to do the disclaimer?

Ryou: Kakos does not—

Yami B: *knocks Ryou unconscious with a frying pan* Kakos doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh! And she doesn't own the Pixies, whose song she's using at the beginning here! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! …Hey, these lyrics are a pathetic attempt at a joke at my pain and suffering with amnesia!

Kakos: Shut up, and on with the fic!

**~ Where is My Mind? ~**

**Chapter One: We're Off to See the Pharaoh, the Wonderful Pharaoh of Oz**

  
_With your feet in the air   
And your head on the ground  
Try this trick and spin it (yeah, yeah)  
Your head will collapse  
And there's nothing in it  
And you'll ask yourself:  
"Where is my mind? Where is my mind?   
Where is my mind?"  
_—"Where is My Mind?" by the Pixies  


_One day at the Bakura household…_

Ryou could hear the sounds of laughter coming from the den. His yami was watching television AGAIN. It seemed that all he did nowadays was just lie around on the couch and eat Cheez Whiz right from the can. And Ryou was starting to worry.

Well, now wasn't the time to worry. It was time to clean.

Ryou turned on the vacuum cleaner and proceeded to vacuum the tile in the kitchen, though why he didn't know. He really should mop. _Oh right, Yami broke the mop_, he thought bitterly. _Dammit, I told him it wasn't a limbo stick._

In the den Ryou heard his yami turn the television up louder. He sighed inwardly and moved onto the den. Now that room was a room in need of vacuuming. His yami tended to be a pig, so the floor was covered in crumbs of various snacks and littered with wrappers and empty soda cans and oddly enough underwear. Soiled underwear. Ryou shuddered at the thought of how such underwear could get into the den, and tried to push it out of his head.

Bakura turned the television up again. When Ryou moved to vacuum in front of it, he craned his neck awkwardly in an attempt to see the tube. "MOVE!" he barked.

"What?" cried Ryou. "I can't hear you over the vacuum!"

"MOVE OUTTA THE WAY!"

"WHAT?"

"I SAID—"

Ryou switched off the vacuum cleaner.

"MOVE!"

He screamed so loud all the pictures fell off the wall. Ryou shuddered. "Yami! Look what you've done!"

"Yeah, yeah." He turned the television back down to regular volume and kept watching it. "Why are you cleaning, anyway? The house is fine."

"This house is a complete mess!"

Bakura looked around at all the trash and dirty clothes. "Yeah, that's totally your opinion. You're so womanly; why aren't you wearing your apron?" he teased.

"It's in the laundry," said Ryou with a blush. Bakura turned back to the television. Ryou put his hands on his hips. "Can't you get off your bum and do something?"

"But I'm watching 'Monk.'"

"Ooh, with Tony Shaloub?"

"The one and only."

Ryou sat down beside his yami and watched the show.

_An hour or so later…_

"Wait a minute," said Ryou suddenly during the commercial. "Shouldn't we be doing something?"

Bakura sighed and turned off the television. "This is a yaoi? No one told me. I'm not even in the mood."

"No, it's not a yaoi."

"A beating fic? I love those!" Bakura raised a fist.

Ryou scooted away from him. "No, no!"

"…How about a silly humor fic?"

"Yeah, that'll work. So my yami, go out and, uh, get a job?"

"No."

"Go to school in my place and wreak havoc?"

"Tempting, but no."

"Meet up with authors who put themselves in the Yu-Gi-Oh universe in a pathetic attempt to make their lives seem interesting?"

"God no."

"Get Yami Yuugi's puzzle?"

Bakura perked up. "Hmm. Now there's an interesting thought. Steal that damnable pharaoh's puzzle."

"It's certainly an original enough idea. I don't think there's ever been a fic where you try that."

(At this point the authoress would like to say that she personally has never read a fic where that happened.)

Bakura stood and stretched. "All right then, I'm off to get the puzzle. But first, a question. Any ideas why we have separate bodies?"

Ryou thought a moment. "Uh…convenience?"

"Good enough for me. See ya!"

_So good old evil Bakura went over to the Motou home…_

"Wow, this is convenience!" said Bakura as he walked up to the Motou residence and pounded on the door.

Yuugi's grandfather opened the door, shrieked, and promptly shut it again.

"Gee, that's never happened before." Bakura knocked again, and again the geezer opened the door, again shrieked, and again promptly shut it.

"This is getting old!" He pounded on the door, and this time when the old man opened it, he stuck his foot in so he couldn't shut it. "Why won't you let me in?" he demanded.

"Because!" cried Yuugi's grandfather (the authoress doesn't know his name…). "Last time I saw you, you knocked me out! Remember? In that episode where you fight that lame Bones character in the cemetery? You hit me, and I was like, 'No! Not again!' and the authoress laughed and laughed because it was really quite funny…"

"All right, all right, shut up, I don't need your life's story, you old fart." Bakura stepped into the Motou place as Grandpa shut the door. "Wow," gasped Bakura, "this place smells nice!"

"Uh, right. So what are you here for?" He drew back in fear. "Are you here to knock me unconscious again?"

"Eh, maybe on the way out. I'm here to see the pharaoh."

"Oh. Well, he's upstairs in Yuugi's room."

Bakura made a face. "I'm not surprised." Bakura climbed up the stairs and wandered down the hallway until he found Yuugi's room. Bakura knew he was in the right place because the room was filled with pathetic games. Plus, the pharaoh was just sitting there in a beanbag chair playing with a Gameboy.

"Dammit, Mario," he was muttering under his breath, "why won't you jump higher?"

Bakura decided he should act sly and evil, so he leaned up against the doorframe, folded his arms, and thought pointy-haired thoughts. "So we meet again, Pharaoh."

"Not right now, Thief, I'm kinda busy."

"That's Thief King." 

"Uh-huh. I'm trying to rescue Princess Toadstool."

"Why?"

"Because someone has to."

Bakura growled lowly (and sexily). This was not going how he planned. Not that he had planned anything. "Listen up, Pharaoh. I'm here for your puzzle."

"Really? I've never read a fic where that happened before."

(The authoress would again like to say she's never read a fic where this happened.)

"Well, I'm demanding that stupid puzzle now, so that I may get unimaginable power and destroy the world! So fork it over—or do we have to go into a Shadow Game?"

"Aw, you don't really want to put a serious moment in this, do you? We're doing stupid humor."

"BUT I'M AN ACTOR, DAMMIT!"

A toilet across the hall flushed and Yuugi entered the room, a bit of toilet paper stuck to his foot. He glanced at his yami, then at Bakura, and then back at his yami. "Did I miss something here?"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Read your script."

Yuugi whipped out his copy of the script, skimmed through it, and then put it back wherever he had it. "Oh, right, never mind. My bad."

"Right, so anyway—" Bakura thrust a finger at the pharaoh. "I DEMAND YOU DUEL ME!"

"Do you know how sick that sounds?" asked Yami, furiously tapping away at the Gameboy. "Dammit, Mario, just go down the freakin' tube!"

"C'mon, pharaoh, just duel me!"

"Okay, fine." 

Bakura sat in front of him and started shuffling his cards. Yuugi went and sat on the bed, legs swinging inches above the ground because he's so short. Yeah, the authoress put this little description in here just to make a short joke. A bad short joke. Yami paused his game and whipped out his deck. Wow, that sounded kinda sick too. After shuffling it for an absurd amount of time and drawing his cards, he laid down a few magic cards, traps, and monsters. 

"Okay, I set up this, this, and this."

Bakura drew his own cards. "All right, I summon DESTINY BOARD."

Yami made that face with the little 'o' and the big 'o'. o.O Yeah, that one. "Are you joking?" he asked. "Do you honestly think that card ever accomplishes anything?"

"Well, it would," said Bakura bitterly, "if the dub didn't change it to read 'final' instead of 'death'. Honestly, would you be afraid if your ouija board read 'final'? That would only strike fear into the hearts of college students who hadn't studied for their finals! What were the dubbers thinking?"

"I dunno, but I'm thinking that this duel is over." Yami Yuugi flipped over his traps and monsters and somehow destroyed all of Bakura's life points. Never mind how exactly.

"Dammit." Bakura threw his cards all over the floor because he's a sore loser. "Should I try to take your puzzle by force then?"

Yami Yuugi sat examining his nails. "Ah, no, wouldn't risk it if I were you."

"Oh. Well, all right then. Had fun, see ya next week, gotta go knock your grandfather unconscious." Bakura bid them ado and went to walk out of the room.

Yami Yuugi suddenly spied a brick sitting beside him. "Hey, look, a plot prop." He picked it up and hurled it at Bakura, striking him in the back of the head. Bakura hit the ground with a thud and lay unconscious. Yuugi jumped off the bed and hovered over the prostrate body.

"Yami," said Yuugi warningly. "That wasn't very nice."

"You're absolutely right," agreed Yami Yuugi with a broad smile on his face as he joined his aibou above poor Bakura.

"Well, now you gotta take care of it."

"What should I do?"

"I dunno. Take him to a hospital or back to Ryou's house or something. He certainly can't stay here—his outfit clashes with the color scheme of this room."

Yami Yuugi studied the bright reds and blues and yellows of the room, and then looked at the pale greens and blues of Bakura's outfit. "Wow, you're absolutely right. Hey, can I ask you something? Why do we have separate bodies?"

Yuugi thought a moment. "Convenience?"

"Yeah, good enough for me." Yami Yuugi grabbed Bakura's foot and started to drag him out of the room. 

"Now you put him somewhere safe, Yami!" ordered Yuugi. "Don't just throw him in a dumpster or leave him in the street or something! I mean it!"

Yami Yuugi snickered. "Oh, I'll put him someplace good all right…"****

"Safe, I said, not good!"

  
Kakos: Coolies! Chapter one's done! What's gonna happen next? Where's Bakura gonna end up? Will Grandpa be knocked unconscious? Why does everyone have separate bodies?

Ryou: Wow, Yami Yuugi is kinda mean.  
Kakos: Hell, you're all out of character. 

Yami B: I can't believe I lost that duel! And then I got hit with a brick—a brick! Sheesh, do you think the mighty Thief King Bakura-sama could be felled by a pathetic brick?

Kakos: *points at the lines of text* You can be and you were, so quit your bitchin'.

Yami B: Mutter, mutter, mutter.

Kakos: Stay tuned for the next chapter, **The Morning After**!

Ryou: The morning after what? 

Kakos: Quiet, you.


	2. The Morning After

Kakos: Well, here we are again, folks, with chapter two! And what a chapter it is!

Yami B: They don't know that yet, you fool!

Kakos: But they will momentarily when they read it!

Ryou: We'd like to thank all you kind people who reviewed and seem to love stupid humor. 

Kakos: We'd also like to remind you to spay and neuter your pets!

Yami B: o.O You guys are nuts.

Ryou: Shut up! You're the one with the crappy soap opera-ish amnesia. Don't tell us we're nuts!

Kakos: Uh, just read the fic, people!

**~ Where is My Mind? ~**

**Chapter Two: The Morning After**

  
_Everything you know is wrong  
Black is white; up is down  
And short is long  
And everything you thought was just  
So important doesn't matter  
Everything you know is wrong  
Just forget the words and sing along  
All you need to understand is  
Everything you know is wrong  
_—"Everything You Know is Wrong" by Weird Al  
****

_Back in Yuugi's room…_

Yuugi was sitting on his bed (and his feet still weren't touching the ground) playing his Gameboy. He had accidentally erased Yami's game and knew the pharaoh would be pissed, so he was hurriedly trying to get back to the same level. "Come on, Mario, just jump higher."

His yami entered the room, dusting off his hands and smiling from ear to ear. "And that's the end of that chapter," Yami Yuugi said proudly.

"Yes, that's because it's chapter two now. So did you take care of Bakura?"

"Oh yeah. I took care of Bakura all right."

_Meanwhile, across town outside of a fashionable little bistro…_

A certain pointy-haired psychopathic yami sat up in a dumpster.

"What the…?" Bakura rubbed at his head. "How the hell did I end up here?" The poor boy glanced around and found himself in a back alley, filled with garbage cans and cats and homeless people. You know what back alleys look like. He carefully crawled out of the dumpster, removing banana peels and milk cartoons from his hair. "Ew, this stuff is so gross…" He grimaced as a new pain shot through his head. "Owie! Oh man. What's going on? Where am I? Who am I?" The authoress would like to apologize for that, but it's standard amnesia procedure.

Bakura stumbled out of the alley and onto the sidewalk. A few people gave him looks but most continued on their way. He swayed uneasily. _Where am I? What is this place? Who are all these annoying people?_ He was getting kinda tired of the occasional weird glances and decided to duck into the closest store, which happened to be that fashionable little bistro.

Inside crappy muzak was playing (read: Yanni) and people were huddled around small round tables drinking weird exotic coffees. Yes, it was a Starbucks. Bakura sat down at long countertop stretching through the middle of the café. Some people edged away from him, as he smelled rather like garbage.

"Anything to drink?" the man behind the counter asked him.

"Uh, no, I'm good."

"Bakura?" came a voice behind him.

Naturally, Bakura ignored it, because he didn't know he was Bakura, because he had amnesia. The authoress is not gonna tell you people that again, she's warning you!

"Bakura, hey, I thought it was you!" Someone clapped him abruptly on the back. He jumped and turned around, giving his most menacing glare at the stranger. It was some weird Egyptian guy dripping in gold jewelry. That's right, it's Malik! But Bakura doesn't know that because—well, you know. He sat down right next to Bakura, smiling broadly.

"So, hey, what's up?"

Bakura continued to glare at Malik.

"Wow, that's great. Let me tell you about my life. You know my yami had that weird problem where, when you looked at him, his face would kinda warp? Well, turns out that's some sort of tumor! Weird, huh? So now he's at the hospital getting surgery! Then…"

Bakura wished with all his might this stranger would just spontaneously explode, but it wasn't looking good.

_Now we're at Ryou's house…_

Ryou was just settling into a nice long bubble bath when the phone rang. Mumbling angrily, he grabbed a towel and answered the phone. "What do you want?" he asked harshly.

On the other end the speaker sounded hurt. "Hey, I'm sorry if I'm bothering you!"

"Oh, it's just you, Yuugi. Sorry. It's just, every time I get in the tub the damn phone rings. What's up?"

"I was just calling to see how Bakura's doing."

"Bakura? But he's over at your house dueling your yami for his puzzle!"

"Didn't you read the script?"

Ryou pulled his script out of somewhere (where, the authoress doesn't know, because Ryou's only wearing a towel) and skimmed through it. "Hey! Your yami hit my yami with a brick!"

"Yeah, my yami totally kicked your yami's ass."

"My yami would've done better if your yami didn't cheat."

"My yami doesn't cheat!"

Ryou kept reading through the script. "Now he's got amnesia! And he's stuck with our annoying loser friends! I better go rescue him!" 

"Sounds like a plot movement to me!"

Ryou slammed the phone down on its cradle and put the script back wherever it came from. "Great, now I've got to rescue my poor yami and cure his amnesia! It's Ryou to the rescue!" And he went running off to do his rescuing and all that. Then he came running back. "Wait, I need clothing…" Or does he?

_Back across town at that bistro…_

"And now I've adopted a 'screw fate' philosophy because I hate having to serve some pharaoh that existed either three thousand or five thousand years ago, no one really knows for sure…"

Bakura couldn't believe how long this guy could prattle on about himself. He slipped off the stool. "Yeah, that's great, uh, whoever you are, but I've got to go…someplace, and do…something…right now…so bye." He made a swift exit. Without missing a beat Malik turned to the man behind the counter and proceeded to tell him about how he hated his Egyptian curse. 

Bakura burst out onto the street, relieved to have finally escaped the horribly annoying spazzy Egyptian person. But now he was faced with another problem: he had no idea who he was, where he was, or where he needed to go. So just like any other person with amnesia he decided to just wander around until he bumped into someone else who knew him and who was preferably not that same Egyptian guy.

Unfortunately, some people who knew him were on their way!

Bakura was just about to cross the street when one of those awesome three-wheeled Japanese trucks you see in animes came screeching insanely fast up the street. It nearly hit poor Bakura, who leapt out of the way just in time, but was unfortunately splashed by muddy water as the truck rolled through a puddle. The truck came to a halt, leaving skid marks on the road. Three heads popped up—Honda, Jounouchi, and Anzu!

"Dammit, Jou," cursed Honda, "you almost hit someone!"

"Ah, shuddup! I don't even knows if I'm allowed ta drive a cah!" 

"Hey guys, look!" cried Anzu in her annoying happy way. "It's Bakura!"

Bakura glared up at the trio in the truck. Something inside of him knew instinctively to hate these people; he just couldn't put his finger on why. "I'm all wet, you fools," he murmured, shaking himself. 

The group jumped out of the truck. "Hey, wat's up wit ya?" asked Jounouchi. "Youse all covered in da garbage."

"Why are you talking like that?" asked Honda. "The authoress is using the Japanese names and all—why do you have that stupid Brooklyn accent?"

Jounouchi took a moment to ponder this. "Huh. I dunno."

Bakura scowled at Honda. "I have the overwhelming urge to throw you into a forest," he said tightly. Honda drew back, half-hiding behind Anzu. 

"Hey, can't we just let bygones be bygones and all that?"

"No, not really…"

"Hey, why do you have a separate body?" asked Anzu.

"For convenience," Bakura returned immediately. "Wait, how do I know that?"

"Gee, Bakura, you don't look so good," said Honda. "Almost like you got hit on the head with a brick and got amnesia or something."

"Honda, that's stupid," said Anzu.

Jounouchi opened his mouth as if to say something, but since he couldn't figure out if he should speak with a Brooklyn accent or not, he quickly closed it again.

Bakura rubbed at the back of his head and winced in pain. "Ouch! There's like, a lump or something back here."

"Lemme see!" Anzu bounded over to him. Bakura growled lowly (and sexily!) at her, since for some reason unbeknownst to him, he really did not want to be around this girl. She lifted up his hair. "Wow! There really IS a lump back here. Maybe we should take you to a hospital or something."

Bakura shoved her off. "Uh, no, that's all right…I think I'd rather just keep walking around and stuff…"

"Maybe he's delirious," suggested Honda.

Jounouchi tried to speak again but decided not to.

"Yeah, we better get you to a doctor. Get in the car, Bakura," ordered Anzu.

"No, really, I'm absolutely fine—"

Anzu took a deep breath. The boys all sighed. 

"Look, you guys," she began. "We're friends. And friends need to stick up for one another. With friendship, we can overcome anything…"

_Ten minutes later…_

"It's when things look their darkest that you need the shining light of friendship to get you through. We've been through a lot together, and we should always be there for one another, because we don't need to stand alone…"

_Thirty minutes later…_

"Remember that time Yuugi was afraid to duel because he felt his other self would go too far? He needed us then, and we were there for him. And we're here for you now. Why, I remember the time…"

_One hour later…yawn…_

"It's one for all, and all for one, and—"

"All right, I'll right!" cried Bakura, pulling at his hair. "I can't take it anymore! I'll get in your damn truck! Just…for the love of Ra…stop talking!"

Anzu stopped in mid-sentence and blinked. "Oh, really? Cool. Well, get in the truck then."

Bakura climbed up into the back of the truck. Anzu kicked Honda and Jounouchi, who had fallen asleep right there on the sidewalk, and pushed them into the driver's part of the car. Just as it was starting up Malik came out of the Starbucks.

"Hey, Bakura!" he called, waving.

Bakura beat furiously on the truck window. "DRIVE ALREADY!"

The car started. Malik started. Running after them, that is. "Wait, guys, don't leave me behind!" He tried to jump onto the back bumper but tripped and rolled head over heels along the street.

Bakura cackled. "I don't know why, but seeing that makes me feel all warm inside."

Kakos: Is Ryou gonna get to Bakura in time? How's Yami Malik's surgery going? Will Anzu ever die?

Yami B: Who are you asking?

Kakos: Wow, I dunno…

Ryou: Shouldn't my yami not be here or something? He's got amnesia.

Yami B: Yeah, I pretty much hate you for doing that to me, Kakos. Am I gonna get better?

Kakos: Is Yami Bakura ever gonna get better? Stay tuned for the next installment, **Wham, Bam, Thank You Ryou!** ****

Ryou: That's the most disgusting chapter title I've ever heard. 

Kakos and Yami B: QUIET YOU!


	3. Wham, Bam, Thank You Ryou

Kakos: That last chapter was really short…sorry, guys. Couldn't drag it out without it seeming like I had, well, dragged it out.

Yami B: Damn, Kakos, you suck.

Ryou: *beats Yami B with a frying pan* DO NOT INSULT THE AUTHORESS!

Kakos: Aw, Ryou, you're a sweetie.

Ryou: Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

Kakos: Support your local Girl Scout chapter!

Yami B: *on the floor bleeding* Someone call a doctor…

**~ Where is My Mind? ~**

**Chapter Three: Wham, Bam, Thank You Ryou!**

  
_Well, first of all, I'd like to say FUCK OFF  
If you don't get it, why don't you  
Go shove your head back up your ass  
And don't waste my time—I don't need your opinion  
'Cause you don't know what it's like  
You don't know what it's like  
You don't know what it's like to be like me  
You don't know—  
So keep your mouth shut!  
_— "You Don't Know" by Reel Big Fish  


_When we last left our heroes…_

Bakura sat in the back of the cool three-wheeled truck, enjoying the breeze and the sun on his face. Something deep inside of him told him that he should probably be loathing such happy sunshine and pleasant weather, but for the moment he didn't see any harm in just sitting back there and enjoying life.

Just as his mind was wandering onto the subject of just who the hell he was and what he was going to do, the truck came to an abrupt stop, throwing him up against the windows.

Inside he heard Honda curse, "God damn, Jou! You almost ran over the other Bakura!"

"I's sorry! My mind's all p'occupied 'cause I dunno how ta talk!"

Bakura peered over the roofing of the truck and saw a white-haired person in an awful sweater vest standing in the middle of the road. The other kids were climbing out of the car, so Bakura hopped over the side and slinked along the passenger door to see what was going on. 

"Hey, Ryou!" chirped Anzu peppily. "What's happening?"

"Yeah, why were you in the middle of the road?" asked Honda.

"No time to answer that now!" Ryou said breathlessly. "I gotta find my yami! The script says he has amnesia!"

"The script!" The three slapped their hands upon their foreheads. "Why didn't we think of reading the script? A brilliant idea!"

Jounouchi opened his mouth and then pursued his lips. Excitedly he jumped up and down and gestured to the back of the car.

"What is it, boy?" asked Ryou. "Is Uncle Milty in trouble? Timmy fall down a well? The barn on fire?"

"Is it a movie title?" guessed Anzu.

"An animal?" suggested Honda.

"How many words? Three? Four?"

"Oh fer cryin' out loud!" Jounouchi yelled, finally at the end of his rope. "I'm sayin' we got yar yami, Ryou!" He pointed to the back of the truck.

Ryou went running around the vehicle and saw his yami trying to quietly sneak away. "Yami! Good, I found you!" He ran up and hugged him tightly.  
Bakura squirmed against the embrace. "Whoa, sorry, I don't think I'm gay."

Ryou immediately let go. "Yes, well, I'm not gay either. I'm just glad to see you, Yami."

"Who the hell is yami?"

Ryou sweat-dropped. "Oh no he's got amnesia!"

"But you already said that," pointed out Honda. "Actually, wasn't it, like, the first thing you even said to us?" 

"Whatever! Gosh, Yami, don't you know who you are? You're the other part of me!"

"Uh, right, well, I've had a great day with all you crazy people and all, but I'm just going to go…off…someplace…" Bakura tried to weasel out of Ryou's grip on his arm, but little do most people know that Ryou works out and has a grip like a vise.

"My poor Yami has amnesia! I've got to get you home and put you to bed, or something."

"I don't want to go home with you, you're freaking me out!"

"Yeah, I can see how you'd be scared, since you have an amnesia and don't know anybody and are probably wondering why we look alike."

Bakura blinked. "We look alike?"

Ryou pointed to another conveniently placed puddle. Bakura looked in and saw their reflections side by side. "Oh my god we do look alike!"

"See? Now aren't you even more dazed and confused?"

"Yeah, actually, I am."

"So come on, let's go home so you can get some rest."

"Should we come too?" asked Anzu.

"No!" said both Bakuras quickly. 

Anzu took a deep breath and opened her mouth. "Friendship—"

"RUN AWAY!" Everyone headed for the hills, Ryou dragging Bakura behind him. 

_Now that Bakura is safely back home…_

"Now you just sit right down here on the couch," said Ryou, setting his yami down none-too-gently. He thrust the remote into the poor confused boy's hands. "Watch TV. You love TV, remember?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess…" Bakura tentatively turned the television on.

"Good. Now, can I get you anything? Anything at all?"

Bakura thought for a moment. "I got the strangest hankering for Cheez Whiz right from the can."

Ryou through his arm across his eyes dramatically. "Oh my poor yami! Woe is me! And him. Woe is us! Amnesia!" He went flouncing into the kitchen to find some Cheez Whiz. Bakura shrugged and started channel surfing.

Ryou was digging through the cabinet when someone knocked on the door. "Come in, it's open!"

Yuugi and his yami appeared in the kitchen. "Hi, Ryou," said Yuugi. "Uh…how's Bakura?"

"Well, how do you think he is? What with his freakin' amnesia and all!"

Yuugi elbowed his yami in the stomach. "Yami? Don't you have something to say?"

The pharaoh hung his head and muttered something.

"MAKE IT AUDIBLE!" screeched Yuugi.

"I said I was sorry for hitting Bakura with a brick," Yami Yuugi said quickly, cheeks flustering.

Ryou gave him a sad smile. "Aw. Thanks for forcing him to apologize, Yuugi. That is so thoughtful."

"No problem."

"But this is a great opportunity!" continued the pharaoh quickly. "Since that stupid tomb robber has amnesia and can't remember anything about himself—"

"Come to think of it, this amnesia thing is kinda like what's happening in the series," muttered Yuugi.

"—he probably won't be evil," Yami Yuugi continued. "So if you just convince him that he used to be nice, he'll turn out a much better person, and he won't beat you."

"The anime and manga have no evidence of my yami ever physically abusing me," said Ryou bitterly.

"Uh, he won't rape you?"

"They don't suggest that either."

"He won't make fun of your sweater vests?"

Tears swelled up in Ryou's eyes. "I just love these sweater vests so much…and he hates them and it just crushes my heart!"

"Well, there you go! All you have to do is mold him into a civil, normal, compassionate human being, and then you can lead a pretty much normal life!"

At this moment a flaming cat came dashing into the kitchen, yowling and howling angrily. He burst through the closed window, sending shards of glass everywhere, and ran up the street until he disappeared over the horizon.

Everyone blinked slowly. "Ryou, your cat is on fire," said Yuugi.

"We don't own a cat."

Then Bakura came running into the kitchen with a lighter in one hand and lighter fluid in the other. When he caught sight of everyone staring at him he came to an abrupt halt. "Hey, did a flaming cat just come in here?" 

The other three exchanged glances before Ryou said, "No…"

"Oh. Well, dammit, I lost it already." 

Yami Yuugi went up to him and tentatively patted him on the back. "You know, Bakura—you see, that's what we call you—you never used to like lighting cats on fire."

"I didn't?" asked Bakura skeptically.

"No, you love life. You'd never light any living thing on fire."

"But it sure seemed like a lot of fun."

"No, it wasn't fun," stressed Yami Yuugi. "It's bad to set anything on fire—especially cats. You should know that, being Egyptian and all."

Bakura looked down at himself. "I'm Egyptian?"

"Well, you used to be Egyptian before you died and got reincarnated in the form of that little white-haired wimp over there."

Bakura looked as though he were going to be sick.

Ryou grabbed Yami Yuugi by the cuff of his collar and started dragging him to the door, little Yuugi hesitantly following. "Well, thanks for coming over and everything, guys, but I think I can handle it from here, so if you'll just be on your way—"

"Remember what I said!" insisted the pharaoh. "Make him think he's a good person!"

"Yes, thank you!" Ryou shoved them out on the stoop and quickly shut the door. He turned around to face his yami and took a deep breath. "So."

Bakura eyed him. "I don't like that guy."

Ryou muttered, "Yeah, you never did."

"What?"

"Nothing. So, um…got any questions?"

"Lots. But I really don't want to talk to you."

"Oh, that's pleasant."

"I'm just gonna go watch TV now…" Bakura started to slink away.

Ryou rubbed thoughtfully at his chin. _Hmm…maybe Yami Yuugi has a point…_ "Oh, wait, Bakura!" The other boy hesitantly looked over his shoulder. "I've got an idea. Let's—let's have a party for our friends."

"Are you referring to those stupid people in the truck?"

"Yeah."

"Let's not have a party."

"No, come on, it'll be great. You, uh, you used to love parties!"

"I don't think I'm the type to love anything," Bakura sneered.

"No, you really do! We'll have lots of fun! Let's—let's go get some stuff for the party right now."

"Honestly I think I hate this idea—"

"To the party story!" squealed Ryou, grabbing his yami by the hand and running out the door.

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUH!

Ryou: Aw, poor Bakura-kun is going through hell this chapter. 

Kakos: We're gonna have a party, we're gonna have a party!

Yami B: You have no idea where this fic is going, do you?

Kakos: …No…

Ryou: Well, a party seems like a good place to go.

Kakos: Will Bakura enjoy the party? What sort of party stuff are they gonna get? Whose cat was that?

Ryou: That question thing actually is kinda annoying…

Kakos, Yami B, and Seto: QUIET YOU!

Ryou: Where the hell did Seto come from?


	4. This is the Way We Shop at the Mall

Kakos: Wow, another chapter, really?

Ryou: I thought you weren't gonna continue.

Yami B: I was hoping she wasn't…

Kakos: What can I say? The people—they like me, they really like me!

Ryou and Kakos hug and some random audience goes 'Awwww!'

Yami B: Gag me with a spoon.

Ryou and Kakos: o.O

Kakos: Uh…just enjoy the fic, everyone.

**Where is My Mind?  
****Chapter Four: This is the Way We Shop at the Mall**

  
_It's not as bad as it could be_  
_Seems everybody's bugging me  
Like nothing wants to go my way  
It just ain't been my day  
Nothing's coming easily  
_—"Up!" by Shania Twain  


After a boring, uneventful, and therefore unwritten about bus ride… 

"Yay, we finally reached the mall!" chirped Ryou excitedly.

Bakura eyed the mall as though he were inside a diseased animal. There were too many people, the colors were too bright, the music too loud, and food court smelled questionable. "This is hell, isn't it?"

"No, it's Domino Mini Mall, duh!" Ryou led the miserable Bakura down the crowded mall, trying to keep a close eye on him as he tended to try and sneak off. Finally they reached the party store, Party Hardy, at the southern end of the monstrous mall.

Ryou stood proudly outside the shop, hands on his hips and a grin from ear to ear. "This is gonna be great, don't you think, Bakura? Bakura?"

His yami had his nose smushed up against the glass of a nearby jewelry store, his eyes glazing over at the sight of all those glittering jewels. "Wow," he murmured, "for whatever reason, I really want to put on a red robe and sneak in there and get those…"

Ryou laughed uneasily and pulled his yami away, Bakura still gazing longingly after the gold. "Uh, well, must be all that Home Shopping Network you like to watch. Come on, let's get the stuff for our party!" He dragged Bakura inside the store.

The female clerk at the counter smiled brightly at the two as they entered. "Hi, can I help you guys?"

"We're just looking for some stuff to throw a bitchin' party," said Ryou.

"Really? You guys don't look like the type to have a good time."

"What? Hey! We're party animals, I'll have you know!"

The clerk made a sour face and pointed a finger behind Ryou. He turned around to see Bakura attempting to light a container of confetti on fire.

"Hey! Cut that out, dammit! Can't I take my eyes off you for one minutes?"

Bakura shrugged.

Ryou sighed, shaking his head, and turned back to the clerk. "Look, it's really important that I throw a super, happy, fun, good time party for my yami here. Can you help an albino out?"

"Hmm. You probably want that." The girl gestured to a huge set of boxes and bags sitting on the shelf behind her. The boxes were labeled, "Super Happy Fun Good Time Party Kit—only $399.95!!!"

"Wow!" gasped Ryou. "Yeah, that'll be perfect, we'll take it."

The girl smiled back at him and rang his things up, throwing the boxes into numerous bags. Ryou picked them up and then dumped them all on Bakura.

"Hey, what are you doing?" grunted Bakura, shuffling bags from one hand to the other.

"You always used to carry bags for me."

He gave Ryou a suspicious eye. "I did?"

"Yeah, you were always so thoughtful." As soon as the words were out of his mouth Ryou felt a pang of guilt. _Well, okay, not really…but you could be, right?_

"Grr, well, whatever."

"Hey, while we're here, let's do some clothes shopping too…"

After several horrible hours at Belk… 

The two white-haired boys emerged out into the mall, the taller one's arms filled with bags and boxes, and the smaller one skipping along happily down the mall.

"I couldn't believe that sale. Two sweater vests for the price of one? Hot damn!"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Uh, yeah, sure."

"You know, while we're here, I better pick up some groceries too. Parties need lots of food."

"I can't carry anything else."

"Well, don't worry, I'll carry these bags. Go sit on that bench; I'll be back in a sec." Ryou went skipping into the Piggly Wiggly.

Bakura practically collapsed on the bench, dropping everything and cringing as he heard something shatter, but otherwise not really caring. "Boy, this really sucks. Was I always this lame?" He looked over the railing (they're on the second floor) at the people eating in the food court below. With a devilish grin and with reasoning he didn't understand, he reached into his pocket and threw a handful of change out across the crowd. Coins plopped down in drinks, salads, and right on top of people's heads. He drew back, snickering to himself at their discomfort.

"Oh, wait, there was a quarter in there. Dammit." He ran towards the escalator, and on his way down paused, looking back at the packages left on the bench. "Hmm, should I be keeping an eye on those? Nah, who would want bags labeled Belk?" He traipsed down the escalator two steps at a time and darted around the crowd, scooping up change, regardless of value, wherever he saw it.

"Excuse me…that's my penny…hey, that's my dime…yes, thank you, my penny again…"

The people eating gave him angry looks as he thoughtlessly leafed through their belongings in search of change. After being cursed out and even swatted a few times, Bakura spied his quarter lying next to a trash bin. He went darting after it, but when he was just inches away a little hand reached out and grabbed it.

"Hey! Punk! That's my quarter!" Bakura grabbed the kid's wrist and yanked it out from behind the trash can, revealing a little black haired boy in a hideous orange shirt. Yes it was Mokuba! Cool, huh?

"Hey, let go of me!" shrieked Mokuba, trying to escape Bakura's grasp. "My brother's gonna kick your ass!"

"Your brother ain't here, is he? Give me back my quarter."

"No way, it's mine, I found it!"

"Well, I threw it!"

"Finders keepers!"

Just as the catfight was really exploding Ryou appeared by his abandoned packages and, finding no yami in sight, proceeded to look over the railing and see the event. "Hey! Yami!" he screamed down at the food court. Both Bakura and Mokuba looked up. "Stop terrorizing little kids and get up here! You've got packages to carry!"

"Fine, goddammit." He gave Mokuba an evil (and sexy!) glare. "But you're coming with me until I get my quarter back, jerk."

Mokuba stuck his tongue out at Bakura.

"I swear to god I'll bite it off."

The tongue retracted and Bakura pulled Mokuba up the escalator over to where Ryou was impatiently tapping a foot.

"Yami, I can't have you going around bothering random people—hey, aren't you Kaiba's brother?"

"That's right!" Mokuba finally wormed his way out of Bakura's grip and stood with his chin up and hands on his hips. "I'm the one and only Mokuba Kaiba, and when my brother hears about this, you guys are so dead." He pouted at each boy in turn before his smug grin vanished. "Wait…you guys look kinda familiar. Aren't you that little white-haired British freak who hangs out with Yuugi?" he asked Ryou, pointing at him.

Ryou blushed. "Uh, in so many words, I guess yeah. But I'm really not British—it's just dub gone horribly, horribly wrong."

"Then that makes you the freak who wanted my body!" cried Mokuba, staring at Bakura in disbelief.

Bakura frowned. "What? Your body?" He looked at Ryou in horror. "I'm not a pervert, am I?"

"No, no!" hurried Ryou. "You—it's complicated—but never you mind that—just, uh, just go stand with our packages." Ryou pushed Mokuba a few feet away and knelt down beside him. "Haven't you been reading the script?"

"Why should I? I only read my parts."

"Well, dammit, my yami has amnesia and I'm trying to reshape his mind and make him nice. So please, don't remind him of all the crappy things he's done in the past, okay?"

"Don't see any reason to."

"I'll beat your ass."

"Okay, okay, fine. I'm leaving you weirdos."

"Hey, wait! I'm having a party tomorrow for my yami. Why don't you ask Seto to come? Ya know, just so I can actually have more than a few people and add tension and all that stuff."

"Why should he come?"

"Because Yuugi will be there."

"All right! Then my brother can finally show that pink haired freak who's the best duelist!"

Ryou rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that…"

"What?"

"Nothing. So go on and try to get your brother to come, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Ryou gave him a gentle little shove and Mokuba, cautiously looking over his shoulder, hurried away.

Ryou rejoined Bakura, who was slouching on the bench, and picked up a few of the bags. "Okay, Yami, let's go home! We've got a lot of work ahead of us."

Grumbling, Bakura gathered up as much as he could in his arms and stumbled after his companion, who he was beginning to think was a bit light in the loafers, if you catch my drift.

Now let's join Mokuba because there aren't enough scene things in this chapter 

Mokuba was moving quickly through the crowd of people at the mall, picking pockets when he felt like it, when he suddenly bumped into a tall, blonde, purple-shirt-wearing freak.

"Eek! Malik!" he squealed, stumbling back.

"Oh, it's one of those little Kaiba punks."

"Don't send me to the Shadow Realm! You're dangerous!"

Malik smiled, which is quite creepy, especially if you're a young boy. "Oh, yeah, that was my yami. Yeah, he's away at the hospital now. It's a tumor, you know."

"Well, that's very interesting, but I've got to go home and tell my brother about the party…" Mokuba turned around to run, but a tanned hand grabbed his shoulder.

"What party?" asked Malik with a smile.

"Uh…Ryou's throwing a party for his yami, because he has amnesia, which, if you think about it, doesn't make much sense."

"Hmm, hmm, uh-huh, right, okay, I see," babbled Malik, nodding occasionally, eyes glazed over.

Mokuba waited until the freak had apparently finished. "Okay, I'm gonna go now—"

"Don't you think they want me to come to their party?"

"No, probably not. Bakura always hated rivals for his fangirls, and, well, you know how he took care of Honda."

"Oh yeah, reducing his part to that of a lame cheerleader like Anzu. Devilish character, ain't he? Well, when's this party?"

"Uh…tomorrow."

"Great, I'll be there."

"Seriously, I'm not sure they really want you there."

"You know me, I love to be in medias res."

Mokuba glared at him. "You're Egyptian, you don't know any Latin."

"Whatever. So they're throwing a party, are they? Well, Malik's gonna stop by for a little fun." He broke off cackling madly.

Mokuba slowly took a step backwards. "Hmm, well, okay, you do that…" And then he took off running.

Yami B: Another excruciating chapter over with.

Ryou: Yay! That means another one is coming up later!

Yami B: Why can't you just kill me? I don't want to live in this torture…Why must I suffer so???

Ryou: Hope this lived up to what it's been so far, if it's really that much to live up to.

Kakos: Oh, yeah, they said we weren't supposed to have script things like this, even in author's notes…Well, I like it, and you don't have to read it, so bug off!

Yami B: Yes, let's kill them!

Kakos: No one said anything about killing anyone…

Ryou: Coming up next: We Like To Party. I'm so excited!

Yami B: Oh, suck—

Kakos, Ryou, Seto, and huo shi long: QUIET YOU!


	5. We Like to Party

Kakos: Wow! Chapter five! That's pretty cool. And what a long chapter it is, and funny, too. Could there actually be…plot in here?

Ryou: Good job, Kakos! they hug again 'cause it's fun

Yami B: You two sicken me, what with the compliments and the hugging and the general love. It's **sick**.

Kakos: You would make a good Spike on "Buffy," do you know?

Yami B: o.O Did you know you misspelled a name last chapter?

Kakos: YES! YES! And do you know why????

Yami B: Because you're a bloody idiot?

Kakos: YEEES! ::grovels at said reviewer's feet:: Here I try to please my reviewers and I still—STILL—mess things up horribly! I'm a bad person!

Ryou: Aw, don't be so hard on yourself. You fixed it now.

Kakos: I'm so sorry! I fixed it now! Yes, yes, fixed, like it was never there! T.T

Yami B: Stupid retarded idiotic Kakos.

Kakos: Enough of the coprolalia.

Ryou: Time for another fantastic chapter. And remember kiddies, always look both ways before crossing the street.

Kakos: Don't talk to strangers!

Ryou: Clean behind your ears!

Yami B: And come to my van, I've got candy! :D

**Where is My Mind?  
Chapter Five: We Like to Party**

  
_I've got something to tell you  
I've got news for you  
Gonna put some wheels in motion  
Get ready 'cause I'm coming through  
Hey now, hey now; here what I say now  
Happiness is just around the corner  
Hey now, hey now; here what I say now  
We'll be there for you…  
_—"We Like to Party," by Venga Boys  


_And now it's the day of this dreadful party…_

"Bakura. Bakura! BAKURA!"

Bakura jumped in his sleep and promptly fell off the couch. Groaning, he rolled over onto his back and stared up at Ryou, who was hovering above him and grinning from ear to ear.

"What the—what time is it, you freak of nature?"

"It's daytime!"

Bakura wearily looked at the clock hanging on the wall. "9:00? In the freaking morning? You know, I'm pretty sure I'd never wake before noon."

"Sure you would," insisted Ryou, dragging his yami up to his feet. "You were a big morning person, just like me. It's scary how alike we used to be." He chuckled nervously. _Wow, should it be wrong that I'm changing my evil, lazy, mean yami so much…? Nah._ "So come on," he said aloud, "and get a shower and get ready. We've got to decorate everything. The guys will be here at 2:00!"

"What an early time for a party. And don't you have school?"

Ryou thought a minute. "I figure, if we have so much time for all that dueling shit, we must not have school."

"Oh. Well, whatever." And Bakura proceeded up the stairs to a delightful but uneventful stripping down and showering session. I'll leave it to your imaginations…

_The evil authoress continues a few hours later…_

Bakura slowly walked down the stairs, staring down at his feet covered in Keds.

"Uh…why did you lay out my clothes for me?" he called to Ryou.

"Just for fun! Come in the den, lookie, I've set some stuff up!"

Bakura cautiously peeked into the den. Ryou had hung up streamers and banners and had set up colorful table decorations. He also had his stereo up and was blaring Aqua. Bakura shivered.

"Oh man, you're such a girl."

"I'm so excited! And they're gonna be here in a few hours! We still have to get up all the food and decorate the kitchen and everything!" Ryou turned to his yami and squealed when he saw him. "Aww! You look adorable."

Bakura glared down at his outfit again. A pair of clean, wrinkle free blue jeans, new white shoes, and a white sweater vest with green trim greeted him. "I want to kick my own ass."

"But you always dressed this way!" insisted Ryou. "You had such great fashion sense, just like me. Now you can help me set things up in the kitchen."

_And because decorating for a party is boring…let's skip to something else._

Yami and Yuugi were walking down the street towards Ryou's house because it's almost time for this damn party.

"Why am I going again?" asked Yami.

"Because you hit him with a freakin' brick, and now you gotta pay the price."

"Whatever. Hey, I bet I can beat you to that lamppost. Ready set go!" Yami took off sprinting down the sidewalk. Yuugi rolled his eyes.

"Damn king of games," he muttered before shouting, "Not fair! I have shorter legs than you!"

Yami wasn't listening. He was happily swinging around the lamppost. Wow, now that is a spiffy image. Uh, but anyway… "Hah-ha, I won! King of Games, baby!"

"You have an ego problem, you know that?" Yuugi grabbed his yami by the sleeve and pulled him down the street.

As they started up the walk to Ryou's house Yuugi thrust a random bouquet of flowers into Yami's hands. "Here, take these."

"Aww, Aibou…"

"Not like that, you horny freak. I mean, to give to Ryou."

"But—"

"Still not like that! As another apology for giving his yami amnesia and causing this damn story!"

"Oh. Man, you hit one tomb robber with a brick and you're paying for it for the rest of your life."

Yuugi knocked on the door, shifting his weight from foot to foot anxiously. The door finally opened. It was Ryou, wearing a ridiculous party hat and decked out in colorful beads.

"Yami! Yuugi! Yay!"

The pair exchanged glances. "This is for you," muttered Yami, thrusting out the flowers.

Ryou reluctantly took them. "Eh, but I don't—"

"For Ra's sake, as another damn apology!"

"Oh. They're beautiful! I'll get a vase!" Ryou went flouncing away, the two Mutou punks stepping into the house.

"This is really gonna suck," said Yami.

"I know. Just…just grin and bear it." They walked into the den together and saw an even more frightening sight then Ryou in a party hat and beads. It was Bakura in a party hat and beads.

Yuugi squealed and leapt into his yami's arms. "Ahh! Scary!"

Yami snickered as he struggled to hold onto his aibou. "Heh-he-he…"

Bakura glared at the pair. Who but Bakura could have on such a sour puss when he's wearing a party hat? "Please tell me I wasn't always like this," he demanded.

Yami grinned wide and said through his teeth, "It's good to see you back to the way you were."

_Now let's get this horrible party in full swing so we can get this chapter over with…_

Now that Anzu, Jounouchi, and Honda had arrived, everything was set in order, and Ryou was trying to entertain his guests in the kitchen.

"How come Bakura is just sitting in the den pouting?" asked Anzu, leaning back from the table in order to see Bakura in the den. "I don't understand how anyone's unhappy when they're wearing a party hat."

"I don't think he's enjoying himself…" said Ryou sadly.

"Would you? This party sucks asp," said Yami.

Yuugi hurriedly swatted him. "YAMI! APOLOGIZE!"

"Ra, stop." Yami shuddered. "Seriously, though, Ryou, this isn't the best party I've ever been to."

"I didn't think a 3000 year old spirit had much of a social life."

"Hey! I have friends! Lots of friends!"

Ryou sighed and stood up, going over to the counter. "Well, fine, I was hoping my party would be a success without this, but…" He pulled a sheet off a giant circular thing. "Ta-da!"

Everyone's mouth dropped. "Wow, a keg," said Honda. "I'm impressed."

Yami hurriedly rushed over to the keg and turned the tap. "What a shame, you're all under age, only I can drink!"

The rest of the gang groaned. Yuugi looked up at his yami with those large, puppy dog pleading eyes. You know the ones. "Yami, please don't drink…you always get so super drunk at these things."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, Aibou," said Yami, sipping his beer, "but shortys can never hurt me."

Yuugi, face beet red, grabbed a frying pan up out of the sink and held it in a batter's stance. Jounouchi reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Hey, hey, da violence neva solved nothin'," he chastised.

Yuugi sighed. "You're right." And then he promptly hit Jounouchi with the frying pan. Poor Jounouchi fell straight to the floor, and everyone applauded.

Suddenly there came the loud sound of a helicopter out in the street!

"Oh man," groaned Honda. "Is that—"

Ryou stood peering out the window. "It's the Kaiba brothers!" he announced cheerily.

Yami spat out his beer, spraying it all over Yuugi and the unconscious Jounouchi. "Whaaaa?"

"I invited them as a plot movement!" Ryou went running through the den to the front door, with the whole gang following him, except for Bakura, who sat pouting on the couch some more. Ah, he's so sexy (and evil!) when he pouts.

Ryou opened the door, where Seto and Mokuba were already on the stoop. "Hey, you guys made it!"

"Yeah!" screeched Mokuba. "And now my brother's here to show Yuugi who's the best duelist!"

"Quiet, Mokuba," ordered Seto. He glowered at Yuugi. "Now, Mutou, we're going to see who's really the best duelist when I finally crush you once and for all."

"Don't you have anything else to do with your life? Any mergers to plan? A girlfriend? Something?"

"I am the king of games. Ever since you beat me, Yuugi, I—"

"Yeah, yeah, there's no depth to your character, stop trying to add some. So come on in, let's get this over with."

Mokuba and Seto entered the house, and Ryou was about to close the door, when a sandy-haired Egyptian put his foot in the way.

"Hey! Ryou! Buddy!"

"Ack, it's Malik!" squealed Ryou. Everyone turned around to look at him.

"Malik? Why are you here?" asked Anzu.

"Well, you guys are having a party, so naturally I assumed I was invited. How can you have a party for Bakura if you don't invite his partner in—I mean his best friend?"

Ryou looked at the others skeptically, but they only shrugged.

"He's already in the house," said Yami, "so who cares?"

"Yeah, and his yami's in the hospital," added Honda. "We're not in any danger."

"They gave him a lobotomy now. They let him keep the little part of his brain they cut out, and he named it Bob." Malik grinned from ear to ear. "He's showing responsibility."

"Eh, whatever. Now come on, we're going to go duel in the kitchen."

Now as one huge group they crossed the den, everyone ignoring Bakura except for Malik, who eyed him carefully. Suddenly Seto stopped.

"Wait. There are two of you."

"Where have you been for the last four chapters?" groaned Ryou.

"Just duel me," said the pharaoh. "I'll kick your ass once and for all."

"Oh. Okay." They continued their trek except for Malik, who stopped in the doorway. Bakura was sitting on the couch, leafing through a magazine and looking somewhat annoyed by the whole situation. _Maybe he's more like his old self than we first gave him credit for…_thought Malik.

"Hey, Kura!" he said happily, plopping down hard beside his friend. Bakura glared at him over the top of the magazine. "What'cha reading?"

He held up the cover.

"_Cosmo_?" Malik paled. "Uh, you know, that's not exactly your reading material."

"There's nothing else in this house. It must've been."

"No, no. But luckily, I've got something more interesting." He fished around in his back pocket and came up with another magazine, which he quickly pushed into his friend's hands. "See? _Dominate the World Monthly._"

"Who's that on the cover?"

"George W. Bush. Trust me, that's what you used to like. Hell, we used to read it together, remember?"

Bakura eyed him suspiciously. "I guess…"

"Ryou's really trying to help you get back to the way you were, before the amnesia and all."

"Uh-huh."

"But he can only tell you so much, you see. Only remind you of the you **he** knew. And maybe that's not really the you who you really were. See?"

Bakura blinked. "No."

"It's like, he only knows one side of the coin, his yami, right? But there's always more to a person than what one other person says. So that means there's more to you than Ryou knew. Like you had a secret double life that Ryou has no idea about, but **I** know. You know?"

"Please say we weren't lovers."

Malik chuckled a little too loudly for comfort. "Oh, no, no, no. Please, never." _Dammit!_ "What I mean to say is—"

Ryou suddenly poked his head in the den for the purposes of interrupting this conversation. "Hey, guys, what're you doing? Yami and Kaiba are dueling!"

"What else is new," muttered Malik.

"I just thought I'd let you know!" And he promptly disappeared.

"What were you saying?" asked Bakura.

"Uh…you know what, let's blow this Popsicle stand and then I can talk to you mono a mono."

"….Popsicles?"

"Just come on."

Kakos: I kinda miss the old Yami B…he was so deliciously evil and sexy.

Yami B: Yes! Thank you! Finally someone who sees what a wimp I've turned into these last few chapters! Bring back the Bakura from chapter one!

Ryou: But she's trying to show a dramatic change in character—

Kakos: Don't kid yourself, it's not that deep.

Ryou: Oh.

Kakos: What was up with that political joke? Man, I almost snuck political commentary into a humor fic. Go me, go me!

Ryou: Well, stay tuned for the next chapter, **Let's Make Sweet Mischief!__**

Yami B: Gross, Ryou, just gross.

Kakos, Ryou, Seto, huo shi long, and Noa (cause he needs loving too): QUIET YOU!

Kakos: See, I got it right this time! Go me, go me!


	6. Let's Make Sweet Mischief

Kakos: Woot woot, here we are with chapter six! And this is my longest story ever! Except for my novel…but whatever.

Ryou: I'm so proud of you!

::huggles again!!!::

Yami B: retches

Kakos: You're a stick in the mud.

Ryou: Get outside and play!

Kakos: Sit down to dinner with the family!

Ryou: But most importantly, read this fic!

Yami B: And call my agent!

**Where is My Mind?**

**Chapter Six: Let's Make Sweet Mischief!**

_  
I could be mean  
I could be angry…  
I could be fake  
I could be stupid…  
I could be cold  
I could be ruthless…  
I could be weak  
I could be senseless  
You know, I could be just like you…_  
—"Just Like You" by Three Days Grace  


When we last left our heroes, Malik was about to wreak havoc… 

Malik dragged poor confused Bakura all the way back to his own little apartment, which was pretty trashy and torn up. Bakura carefully picked his way around the garbage and sat down on Malik's couch. Hanging above said sofa was a giant picture of Elvis. Bakura eyed it warily.

"Don't mind him, he's just the king."

"Uh…right."

"All right, let's get started." Malik went to the fridge and got himself a beer, then plopped down beside Bakura and turned on the television. "All right, it's Maury!"

Bakura blinked. "Uh…didn't you want to tell me something?"

"Yeah, go get me some cheesy poofs."

"I don't remember who I am, but I'm pretty damn sure I'm not your servant!"

Malik sighed and turned off the television. "Okay, fine. Don't be all bitchy. All right, here's the truth: you are actually a thief." He smiled real big, as though this were some important revelation.

Bakura just stared at him. Then he crossed his arms and stared some more.

"But you're not just some common thief—you are a **great** thief. You're perhaps the greatest thief that's ever lived. You used to live in ancient Egypt—that's true, you were Egyptian—and you were a great tomb robber. But through a lot of weird shit that's happened, you're now sharing a body with this white haired freak in modern day Japan."

"Then why—"

"Convenience," snapped Malik. "Now. You're a great thief, and you're working for me, understand?"

"Who says I'm working for you?"

"Well, I just did. Where were you?"

"Right here."

"All right then. So, you were actually on a mission for me when you got your amnesia."

"So this is all your fault?"

"…Yeah, okay."

"I can completely blame you?"

"Yeah, go for it."

Bakura lunged across the couch and started strangling Malik Homer Simpson style. Malik reciprocated like Bart normally does. "You bastard!" he hissed. "I had to suffer with that annoying albino runt all because of you? I'm gonna kill you!"

"Wait!" choked out Malik, struggling. "It's—I'll let—can you—**leggo**!"

Bakura loosened his grip but still kept ahold of his neck. Malik regarded him with a sore eye. "What?" demanded Bakura.

"You're paying off a debt to me, that's why you're working for me. I helped you once, now you're helping me, capische? So all I want you to do is go over to the Pharaoh's house and steal these three things called the Egyptian God Cards. After you do that, your debt is paid, and you can do what you want. Okay?"

"You want me to break into the Pharaoh's house and steal three lame cards?"

"They're not lame! Because with them, I'll be able to destroy the Pharaoh once and for all! Mwahahahah!"

Bakura let go of his neck and scooted far, far away. "You're a little insane, you know?"

"No more than the rest of us. So…you'll do it for me, right? Today, while they're at the party?"

"Uh, sure. But I don't know where the Pharaoh's house is."

Malik reached into the cushions of the couch and produced a handy-dandy map to the Pharaoh's house. "Here ya go! From right here on the couch to the Pharaoh's house! Okay?"

"Why on earth do you have this?"

He stood and started pushing Bakura out the door. "So don't come back until you've got the cards. Got it?"

"Well, actually, I—"

"Great!" Malik pushed Bakura out the door, closed it, and locked it. Bakura shook his head and held up the map.

"Every day gets weirder and weirder."

Meanwhile, at Ryou's horrible party… 

"Man, Yami is kicking Kaiba's ass again," said Honda with a roll of his eyes.

Anzu, who was sitting on the counter flipping through a magazine, didn't bother to look up. "Yay, go Yami, we believe in you, blah-blah-blah."

Kaiba growled as he thumbed through the cards in his hand. "C'mon, I need a Blue Eyes White Dragon!"

"My brother's gonna win!" cried Mokuba, jumping up and down excitedly. "He's the best! I know he'll beat you because—"

Yami sighed and looked over at Honda, Yuugi, and Anzu, all of whom snapped to attention. "You know what to do, guys."

"You want we should take care of this?" asked Yuugi with a feral look.

"As long as you stop talking like a stereotypical Italian mobster."

"Okay!" As a group the three lunged and grabbed Mokuba, hurriedly tying him up and gagging him with an old disgusting sweaty gym socks.

"No! Not the pharaoh's socks!" wailed Kaiba.

Yami played one last card. "There. Tee-hee, I win."

Kaiba leapt to his feet and thrust a finger in Yami's face. "You've disgraced me for the last time, dammit! I AM the best duelist and I—"

"Excuse me!" squealed Anzu so loudly and annoyingly that she couldn't help but be heard. Somewhere, glass shattered. Everyone looked at her with less than shocked expressions. "We are here for Ryou's party! Not for your stupid duel! Everyone should pay attention to Ryou!"

At this, everyone looked around for the albino in question, only to find him sitting up against a tea tray (hey, he is supposed to be British in the dub, so why not?) quietly sipping a beer. Upon seeing their eyes on him, Ryou quickly tossed it over his shoulder. "Ge-wuh?"

"Are you enjoying your party?" asked Anzu with enough saccharine to choke a cat.

"Oh, uh, well, this is really for my yami, you know."

"Is he enjoying it, then?"

"I dunno. Yami!"

Silence.

"YAMI!"

More silence.

Ryou hopped off the tray and peered into the den. "Oh, shit, he's gone!"  
"Hey, so is Malik!" pointed out Honda.

Ryou slapped his forehead. "Oh man, I know they're off to make trouble. Great."

Yami jumped up from his chair dramatically. "Man, when I find that damn thief, I'm gonna be on him like white on rice!"

Everyone stared at him.

"You know—I'm gonna pound his ass."

And at this, everyone paled considerably.

"You perverts! I'm just going to beat him up! You know, punch, kick, destroy?"

The others relaxed and started chatting amongst themselves. "Oh, yes, of course, uh-huh, gotcha…"

"But how are you going to find him?" asked Ryou fearfully.

The pharaoh frowned. "Oh, shit. I dunno." He sat back down and chewed thoughtfully on his lip. The others stood and waited and waited until finally Honda took a lamp and held it over Yami's head.

"Oh, wait, I've got it now!" The pharaoh was back on his feet, jumping so high he knocked Honda backwards. "I know! Bakura went with Malik. Malik wants the god cards. They're at my house. Malik has a map to my house, because I drew him one. Therefore—"

"Two and two IS five!" screamed out Yuugi suddenly. "Of course! It all makes sense now!"

"Uh, no, aibou. Therefore, Malik must have sent the tomb robber to my house to get the god cards. To the pharaoh mobile!" And Yami leapt right out the window.

The group looked over at Yuugi, who shrugged. "I don't know why he's going off to find it. It's only a tricycle, and we left it at home."

"Well, we better go watch him," sighed Anzu. "He seemed a little buzzed."

"Yeah, it's pretty awful when he gets like this."

"But what about Jounouchi?" asked Honda, tapping his prostrate friend with his foot. "Don't you think he's been unconscious long enough? Maybe we should take him to the hospital."

Kaiba glared down at the poor boy. "Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of dog-boy down there."

"Seto, you promised no more kinky boy love!" whined Mokuba, tears in his little eyes. "You promised after what happened with poor Mr. Jackson."

"Oh, right. Well, I guess I will take him to the hospital then."

"I'm not trusting you. Honda and I will go with you to the hospital. Hopefully we'll be able to meet Ryou and the Motous at their house in time to see Yami kill Bakura," said Anzu.

"What?" cried Ryou. "Kill Bakura???"

"Whoops, I meant, find him and not kill him. Yeah, definitely, not kill him. Ready?" They put their hands in the middle and the shouted together,

"BREAK!"

Kakos: Yay! End of chapter six! Sorry it was so long updating—reality bytes, ya know?

Yami B: Oh gods, puns now. End this torture. Have me hit by a bus.

Ryou: Now why would she do that? You're her muse.

Yami B: Lucky me.

Kakos: Who knows when the next chapter is coming? Not even I! For though school has ended, I do nothing, and my novel is going so slow, and frankly, I'm too depressed to do much.

Yami B: Cry me a river and drown in it.

Kakos, Ryou, Seto, huo shi long, Noa, and Pippin (my other muse): QUIET, YOU!


	7. Now I've Got You Where I Want You!

Kakos: NO WAY! Chapter seven? That's uber cool!

Yami B: Do you honestly think anyone ever reads this thing anymore?

Kakos: Well, I'm rather enjoying myself, so I'm just gonna keep going. Besides, who knows what this will turn out to be?

Ryou: We'd like to thank reviewers and readers!

Yami B: Although anyone who reads and doesn't review should be shot.

Kakos: Good, good, insult the readers. That's real smart.

Ryou: Can't you go through one chapter introduction without fighting???

Kakos and Yami B: NO!

Ryou: Sigh. This long chapter is brought to you by the letter F and Oakey's Funeral Service. Bury your past…with us!

**Where is My Mind?  
Chapter Seven: Now I've Got You Where I Want You!**

  
_Dear egotist boy:  
You've never really had to suffer any consequence_  
_You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes  
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance…  
Why, why do I try to change you?  
Try to change you when you really don't want me to?  
_—"Narcissus" by Alanis Morissette   


_Let's get back to Yami Bakura, since he's my favorite…_

Bakura ambled down the sidewalk, trying to make sense of the map Malik had given him. " 'Turn left at that corner where I dropped my gum…walk past that tree I urinated on…it's across the street from that yard where I saw two dogs screwing….' Is this man a nutball or what?"

But, somehow or another, like a dog searching for a hydrant, Bakura found himself standing in front of the Kame Game Shop. Hurrah!

Bakura walked up to the place and knocked on the door. An old man with gray hair in the star shape so common to the Motou men answered the door. And, upon seeing Bakura, promptly shut it.

"Oh, for the gods!" Bakura pounded on the door. "Hello! Hello in there! Don't pretend you're not at home! You were just at the door!"

"You've come to knock me unconscious!" came a little sobbing voice inside.

"Well, no, not at present. Maybe later. But I tell you, I'm having the strangest feeling of déjà vu. And it's all over again."

The door opened a crack and a giant eyeball peered up at him. "Are you sure you're not an amnesiac touched with jamias vu for the very first time?"

"If you're French or Madonna, sir, I'll have to kill you."

"I'm definitely not letting you in now." Bakura heard the sound of several locks clicking into place, and then the sound of a rifle cocking. He quickly retreated to the sidewalk and sat down, pondering his current predicament.

"Hmm, how am I supposed to get into this place now? Well, I suppose if I really am the thief that Malik person made me out to be, I could just dig a tunnel or go in through a window." He examined the house from afar, trying to figure out which room held the cards. He went charging up to the door again.

"Who is it now?" came Grandpa Motou's voice.

"Uh, a Jehovah's Witness!"

The rifle cocked again.

"I mean, a civil servant! I work for the government! I'm doing a survey!"

A pause. "What do you want?"

"I just want to know the location of your son's and the pharaoh's room!"

"Oh. Top floor, on the right, with the skylight."

Bakura rubbed his chin. "Hmm, skylight, huh?"

_Let's see what those crazy Motou boys are up to…_

Yuugi was panting hard while Yami kicked at his sides.

"Faster, faster!" shouted the pharaoh, pointing down the street. "We must hurry! The thief could be up to no good."

"Why…am I…carrying you?" asked Yuugi, his breath sobbing in his chest. He was at present carrying the pharaoh piggyback down the street for all the world to see. And yes, it's a very homoerotic sight. That's what makes it funny, you see.

"Because the pharaoh mobile is nowhere in sight! Perhaps the tomb robber stole it…"

"You don't…have a…pharaoh mobile. You're…not…the freakin' Pope."

Yami gasped. "The Pope has a pharaoh mobile? Since when?"

Yuugi had slowed to a crawl now. "A good question…is why am I…actually carrying you?"

Ryou poked his head up from behind Yami's hair. "A better question is, why are you carrying me, too?"

Yuugi finally collapsed on the sidewalk and lay there, hyperventilating. A bit unnerved by the situation, Ryou got off and stood beside him. Yami spurred his heels against Yuugi's side.

"Onward! Let's go! C'mon!"

"Is he always like this when he's drunk?"

"Only on Saturdays."

"But…it's Thursday."

The group heard a random honking and turned simultaneously to see one of those bitchin' three-wheeled trucks come strolling into view. It slowed as it came beside them and Anzu popped her head at the window. "Hey, guys, want a lift?"

"Yeah, sure!" cried Ryou excitedly. He peered closer and saw Jounouchi driving. "Hey! Jou! I'm glad to see you're feeling better."

He nodded with a funny smile. "I'm in tip-top shape, old sport!"

The three on the sidewalk paled. "Why's he talking like that?" asked Yuugi.

Anzu rolled her eyes. "Oh, well, when he woke up at the hospital—"

"It was most marvelous!" said Jounouchi, continuing with the funny British accent. "I had a dream that a beautiful girl in white came to me and revealed the true nature of my accent. I'm British, old chap!"

"No one caught that vague 'Great Gatsby' reference," grumbled Honda.

Ryou felt his cheeks catch on fire and was dimly aware of Yuugi trying to blow them out. "But—I'm the British character! It says so in the Japanese to English handbook! 'All males with high, womany voices in Japanese are to have British accents in dubbed works! And all males who talk rudely and deeply in Japanese are to have stereotypical New York/Italian accents!' That's the way it works!"

"Oh, say, you're British too? Quite amusing. Are you from Sussex?"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Relax!" cried Yuugi, holding Ryou back. "I'm sure it's just a phase. He'll be over it by the end of the fic, I promise. Hell, maybe by the end of the chapter."

"You guys get in the back," said Anzu, "and we'll hurry to the Motou home."

Yami scrambled into the bed of the truck and stood pounding on the side of it. "All right, come on, let's go! We've got to find the Fat Lady!"

"Great, now he's channeling Sir Cadogan," mumbled Yuugi.

"Yeah, and the last thing we need is JK Rowling suing us." Ryou picked the little boy up and hurled him into the back of the truck. Then he scrambled up himself and they sped away.

_Your mission, if you choose to accept it…is to keep reading._

Duh-duh-duh duh-da, duh-duh-duh-duh da-duh…

Bakura came crawling up the gutter of the Mutou home, scaling the wall easily as though he were a spider. Once on the roof, he stood before the wide skylight, chuckling. Through the glass he could see Yuugi and Yami's room—the bed, the desk, the Playboys, and the bookshelves. "This is gonna be easy."

Doo-do-doo, doo-do-doo, doo-do-doo, doo-doo…

He leapt into the air and then went crashing through the skylight. Shards of glass flew everywhere. He fell and fell and fell. An inch above the ground he realized he had no ropes or anything to keep him from crashing down on the floor.

And he slammed down on the carpet.

Buh-duh-da…buh-duh-da…buh-duh-da…da-da.

Rushing to his feet, Bakura shook his head and stretched, grateful that no one had seen him fall down. He went to the dresser and began digging through the dressers. "Gah, nothing but underwear and socks…"

Next he searched under the bed and recovered some more Playboys, a diary entitled, "My life as a teenage schizophrenic," and a manuscript whose first page began, "Call me Yuugi. Or Yami. Take your pick, I'm both." Grunting, Bakura plopped down angrily on the overturned mattress.

"Cripes! If I were that stupid short punk, where would I keep these so called 'god cards'?"

Frustrated, he picked up one of the Playboys and began leafing through it. Upon reaching the centerfold, he turned the thing sideways, and the edge of a shiny card peeked out from behind pages further back. Bakura opened up to the section. "Of course! In the article section! No one ever reads the articles!" He triumphantly held up the three god cards, shivering slightly at the sight of the red dragon one. "That looks familiar…oh well, I'VE GOT THEM!"

DUN-DUH-DUH- DAAAAAAA!

_Uh…now that that's over…_

"Look, we're almost there!" cried Yuugi. "I can see those two dogs that are always going at it from here!"

"Really?" cried the pharaoh. "Where???"

The truck slammed to a stop in front of the Motou house, throwing everyone forward. "Dammit, Jou!" cried Honda, holding his bloodied nose. "You're no better of a driver than you were before."

"Calm down, dear chap. In England, we drive on the left side of the road you know. Here across the pond things are different."

"We're in JAPAN!"

"Oh. Across the island, then."

Everyone hurriedly scrambled out of the car as the door to the Kame Game Shop opened and Bakura came ambling out, holding the god cards triumphantly. The group gasped at him.

"Bakura!" cried Ryou. "What are you doing?"

"Expelliarmus!" shrieked Yami, thrusting his finger at Bakura.

"Yami, if you don't cut it out, we're going to get sued," said Yuugi.

Bakura looked up, surprised at being caught. "What the—"

Yami suddenly tackled him in the stomach, sending both rolling across the yard. He pinned Bakura to the ground. "BAD BAKURA! BAD BAD BAD!"

"Hey, cut it out!" Ryou and the rest of the sprinted up to the two boys. They pulled Yami off of a confused Bakura. "Stop it!" shrieked Ryou. "You're gonna hurt him!"

"Those are my cards, thief!"

Bakura was quietly trying to slink away when Honda grabbed him by the collar. "Oh, no, you stay here."

Ryou gave Bakura the large, sad, puppy dog eyes. Yeah, you know the ones. "Yami, how could you?"

"Well, I-I-I—Malik said—"

"That Malik has always been a bad influence on you. He—I mean—" _Oh man, what do I do?_ worried Ryou. _It feels so wrong to tell him that. He and Malik were always such good friends! But I don't really want him back to his old self, I don't think… _"He just tries to manipulate you," he ended sulkily.

"Well, frankly, I don't know what to think! You and all your stupid little friends are a little too crazy for my tastes!" Bakura looked hopelessly confused. "I just want things to go back to the way they used to be! That's all!"

Ryou gave his yami a sad smile and opened his mouth, but Anzu naturally scooted in before him. "We want that too, Bakura," she said cheerfully, clapping him on the shoulder. He grimaced at the sign of affection. "You can start by giving those cards back to Yami."

Bakura sullenly handed the cards back to Yami, who stuffed them down his shirt and stood gloating with his chin up. "Yes, that's better."

"There, you see?" continued Anzu, smiling sweetly. "You really were a good guy."

"Yeah," added Honda. "Just don't listen to that Malik. He's a nutcase."

"A very bad person," said Yami, "very bad. Don't listen to him."

As the others gathered around him Yuugi took Ryou and led him to the side.

"Listen, Ryou," whispered Yuugi. "I didn't want to take such extreme measures, but it appears that your yami is slipping back to his usual self."

"Well, yes, but it's not such a big deal—"

"So use this." Yuugi handed him a CD case. "It's desperate, I know, but I think we have to use this."  
"Good Ra!" gasped Ryou. "This is a N'Sync CD! You can't possibly mean—"

"It might be the only way to reform him. I'm sorry."

Ryou looked down at the disc and then back at his yami, whom his friends were still chastising. _Oh, Bakura, I don't want to go this far…_

Yami B: You're not seriously gonna have me listen to that crap, are you?

Kakos: We'll see. Depends on my mood.

Ryou: I rather enjoyed that chapter. Quiet funny.

Kakos: Thank you.

::Yami B lunges at Kakos but Ryou protects her with a frying pan::

Kakos: Aw, Ryou, you're such a sweetie.

Ryou: Thanks. Stay tuned for the next chapter: I Do Believe in Fairies!

Yami B: ::slurred:: Chapter titles have nothing to do with the story…

Kakos, Ryou, Seto, huo shi ling, Noa, Pippin, and Brendan Fraser: QUIET YOU!

Yami B: o.O

Ryou: She's watching the Mummy…


End file.
